Why did I decide to do chemo?
Because I thought that no matter what I do, I won’t know if it will cause me to have cancer again soon or prevent me from getting cancer again. There’s no way to ever know. But I want to do everything that I can do so that I’ll have peace of mind knowing that I’ve done what I can.
If I get cancer again soon, I won’t know if it’s because I did chemo. And if I don’t get cancer again, I will never know if it was because I am doing chemo.
And if I hadn’t done chemo and I got cancer, I wouldn’t know if it was because I hadn’t done chemo
But if I hadn’t done chemo, I would always wonder if I should have done it. I think I would be worried about “what if” if I hadn’t done it.
I feel like I am just going to do everything that I can, including chemo, and if cancer comes back then I at least know that I have done everything that I can to prevent it. And if it happens, it happens. But this way I won’t be worrying about it because I know I’ve done everything I can and as best as I can.
I was hesitant to do chemo because they don’t have statistics for me. They have some statistics, but no statistics based on BRCA1 people. The statistics that they did have for me were very scary. They said that if cancer shows up in me within the next year, then I’ll be dead. So doing chemo to kill any possible stray cancer cells (no cancer showed up in tests after my mastectomy) to prevent having cancer within the next year, sounds good to me.
They said that if I get cancer in a few years from now, then that’s a different story. Then we’ll deal with it. If anything came back within a year, I guess that means that the cancer would be very aggressive, and that’s probably why the death sentence.
So, chemo me up. Menopause me up. The menopause is keeping the estrogen down. And estrogen was what was feeding the lumps I had. So I will not eat soy or tofu, they have estrogen. And I’ve heard that guys shouldn’t have soy milk because it supposedly makes their libido go way down. I heard that years ago. If you’re a guy and want your libido to go down (whatever floats your boat), then I guess Soy Milk can be your thing.
I can’t wait til I have boobs again because I want to wear this bra everyday!!!!
My hair is starting to fall out. It started just this morning when I was styling my hair. When I pull on a chunk of hair, quite a lot of it comes out.
It feels gross. You know when it’s really hot and sticky outside, and your skin starts to feel like it’s crawling? That’s what it feels like on my head. And I can feel little stray hairs tickling me. I feel like I want to get a big brush and scratch my scalp with it, but that would just pull a lot of the hair out.
I have an appointment in the city tomorrow morning. I don’t think my hair will last until I get home tomorrow afternoon. And I think if I wait until tomorrow morning, I’ll be waking up to a bed full of hair. Yuck!
So maybe I should just shave it off tonight. I feel sad about it. But my hair falling out is inevitable. I think I’ll leave it to be a few millimetres long, and then shave it right down in a few days. Baby steps.
I got a wig a few days ago. It’s an ashy blonde chin-length hair style. It looks nice enough. It’s synthetic hair, so it will probably be quite hot to wear. Synthetic sweaty hair and menopause. Oi. Just like Samantha in Sex and the City. She’s wearing a wig because she is doing chemo, and she’s also going through menopause. She gets really hot and takes the wig off. See here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISET9kt5wfE
The weirdest thing is that I’ll be hairless everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Eww.
One of the side effects from this menopause is that I get big chin hairs. But now they will all fall out 🙂 I wonder if my hair will grow in thicker. People say not to shave (in general) because then the hair grows back in thicker and darker. I don’t know if the same thing happens in this scenario. We’ll see.
Today I feel my normal self… pretty much. Today is the 7th day of having chemo in me. Not bad! I’m going to be losing my hair soon. They told me that I’ll definitely lose my hair after the first or second dose of chemo.
A photo of me with my friend, Juliana. We are resting on a rock while out walking. About 10 minutes before that, I was running for a minute to catch up with her. Running with no boobs is awesome, as predicted. AWESOME! No wonder I was a fast runner as a kid.
This photo was taken on the fourth day of chemo. I had chemo on Friday, and this was on the following Monday.