Tomorrow I go for my 3rd chemo dose. Tomorrow is also 3 months since my Mastectomy! I now have full movement of my arms and no longer need physiotherapy. I still do my stretches occasionally and regularly massage the skin around so that it doesn’t stick onto the muscle. The skin was sticking onto the muscle after surgery, but I think I’ve got it mostly back to normal now.
The thread the surgeon used for my stitches were dissolvable stitches. Bogus. They do not dissolve. They are still in me and are slowly making their way to the surface of the skin. When I get new boobs, I’d like to have regular thread if possible.
I think my eyelashes and eyebrows are starting to fall out. Too bad.
Tomorrow I’m doing my 3rd chemo. My anxiety is bad when I think about having to do chemo. I have anxiety because of my previous experiences with the chemo. The past few weeks I have been dreading the chemo. To help with the anxiety, my oncologist suggested taking Nabilone the night before I had my second chemo.
Nabilone is marijuana in a pill. I was afraid to take it. I had someone volunteer to be a guinea pig for me and try the Nabilone and tell me how it was. I hate being stoned, that’s why I was afraid to try the Nabilone. So my guinea pig tried it. The effects are very slow. My sweet trusted guinea pig just felt tired for a few hours. Then they slowly started to feel stoned. But then they went to bed and slept it off. I can’t cut the pill in half because it’s a capsule and is probably time released.
Anyways, I decided to try the Nabilone the night before the second chemo and then just go straight to bed so that I wouldn’t feel anything. I thought that going to bed was the solution. But the solution would have been to continue sleeping all through the next day and not gone to a public place. Instead I had to go to the hospital in the morning to get the chemo.
12 hours after taking the Nabilone, I was paranoid and in a public place. And since I don’t like feeling stoned, I was scared, nervous, and getting even more paranoid just knowing that it was in my system. My mind was blank and I couldn’t think. I got to the hospital and I was expecting that I just had to do the chemo and then go straight home.
Instead, I was ambushed. As I was waiting to be called in for chemo, a psychologist from the cancer centre came to talk with me. I wasn’t really ambushed, it just felt that way because of the drug. She wanted to sit with me briefly to just meet me and get the story on what has been happening with me over the months. At the cancer centre there is a psychosocial oncology department so that patients can have someone to talk to about all the shit that’s happening. I had asked to speak with someone there because I have been getting more and more stressed and I feel very alone in all this. I had assumed that I would get to have a proper appointment though, and I certainly wasn’t expecting to have to talk about everything so suddenly when I was at the hospital for another appointment. I couldn’t think at all and could only concentrate on the fact that I was there for chemo and that I was stoned and paranoid about it. I asked to instead have an appointment with her later on when I wasn’t there to get chemo.
Then I was sitting there getting chemo when someone else came to talk with me. I don’t remember who she was. I just remember she wanted to talk to me about some stuff and was asking me personal questions in front of my chemo neighbours. Whatever happened to patient confidentiality? And whatever happened to leaving someone alone when they are paranoid on drugs?! All I could manage to tell her was “Please stop talking to me. I took Nabilone and I hate it and I’m paranoid. I can’t talk to anyone. Please stop talking to me.” She understood. I felt bad though. I told the psychologist to “please stop talking to me” also.
So that was the second chemo run. Instead of calming my anxiety about chemo, I just got paranoid about weed and people talking to me. I give Nabilone an F.
They’ve set up my chemo to be 3 doses of one drug, and then 3 doses of another. Six doses in total. I saw my oncologist on Wednesday this week and I asked him if I could do my 3rd dose at the end of all the chemo in November, instead of doing it this Friday. I asked if this was possible and if it can work well enough like that. He said that we would just switch to the next drug now and not go back to the first drug, so then it would be just 5 doses in total. He said he feels comfortable with doing this and isn’t worried about doing it this way. He said that if cancer were to come back, then that one dose of chemo wouldn’t make a difference. Let’s hope he’s right. Maybe it’s because I don’t currently have cancer in my body that he feels comfortable with doing this. But I’m glad that he’s confident about it being fine for us doing it like this.
He was asking me how my second chemo dose went and my physical reactions to it. He seemed surprised that I was nauseous for a lot longer than the first time, even though I was being constantly pumped with tons of different anti-nausea drugs.
(I saw the psychologist briefly as well and I apologized for being stoned at my last chemo and for asking her to stop talking to me.)
I had been really tired for the whole previous week to this appointment, and I was super tired the day of the appointment. After the oncologist appointment, I went home and slowly I started to feel less and less tired. Also, my anxiety was lifting a lot. I know the anxiety was about the chemo. But I wonder if the tiredness was because of the anxiety. Last night I slept long, but I wasn’t tired during the day today. The anxiety is a lot less than it was, but it’s still there.
I really want to get over this anxiety as much as possible. And since Nabilone is out of the question, I’m going with Lorazepam. I think it is maybe the same drug that I was given before I got my eggs taken out for the fertility treatment. If it is the same one or acts the same way, then I can handle it. I’m going to take a mini amount tonight before bed, and then take a full pill tomorrow in time for chemo. I hope it calms me.
I have 3 cardboard boxes at home with all the medications, IV fluids, bandages, syringes, etc that the home-care people use to care for me after chemo. I was organizing it yesterday, and just the smell of the packaging and plastics makes me nauseous. It doesn’t necessarily smell bad, it’s just nausea by association. Maybe I should keep a bowl filled with soil beside my bed. I bet dirt would smell awesome and calming after chemo.
So 5 doses in total it is. That means November 1 will probably be my final dose. Soon after that it’s my birthday. For me, age 27 was the year of cancer and a lot of shit, but a whole lot of learning weird interesting things. I hope age 28 will be a year of new beauty tits, newly grown hair, and the most awesome of awesome health that continues for years and years until I die when I’m AT LEAST over 80 years old.