41st Post – I Am Still Alive 20.06.2014

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Please excuse my French, but Happy Mother Fucking Birthday to me!!!!!!!!!!!!   I am still alive!  One year ago today I had my double mastectomy.  It’s been one full year with no breasts.  And it’s been one full year without cancer, supposedly.  This whole year I’ve just been waiting to get to this day.  June 20.  If I got to June 20 without cancer coming back, then I’d be doing well.  If the cancer had come back in the first year, I’d be dead.  That’s what they told me.  That’s a pretty terrifying message.  I guess it would kill me because it would mean that it was more aggressive than they could handle with the chemo, radiation, and surgery.

At one point they were worried that it had spread.  After chemo my vision was blurry, so I went to get it checked out.  The eye doctor sent me to a specialist.  The specialist did tests, then more tests.  It was only when he got the test results back that he said to me that my eyes were totally fine, but that he had been worried and thought that perhaps cancer had spread to my eyes.  He said it was really common for that to happen with breast cancer because the eyes get lots of oxygen and the cancer loves it.  He also said that if it had spread to my eyes, then it would have spread to everywhere else in my body.  I’m so glad he didn’t tell me his worries before he got the test results back, otherwise I would have completely freaked out.  But it was weird to sit there to get the test results and just be shocked by him saying “It’s not cancer.”  Fucking hell, I didn’t expect to be thrown into yet another cancer conversation.  What a relief though.  But it still scared me.

Now I’m at the one year mark.  Physically, I feel really good.  My strength and energy improves every day.  My memory is improving too.  My memory was complete shit for a long time there.  Everything feels good.  My arms still feel strange from the surgery.  I don’t know if that will ever get back to normal.  And that’s disappointing because it wasn’t something that I had prepared myself for at all.  I went into surgery thinking that just my chest would end up feeling weird.  Instead, my chest feels pretty normal, yet the backs of my upper arms have no feeling, nor my armpits.

I don’t sweat in my armpits at all and it’s awesome.  Strange, but nice.  On really hot days, my right armpit gets a wee bit damp, but not enough to mark my clothing.  And the armpits don’t smell either.  I get sweaty in the middle of my back, mostly from the hot flashes.

Anyways, I made it to a year.  I don’t feel like anything is wrong with me…so no cancer sneaking around causing trouble.  Now I can safely say that I’ll live and that that breast cancer won’t kill me.

I want to celebrate.  I want to scream from the rooftops that it’s been a year.  I don’t know what I’ll do yet.  This weekend I’m going to be away in the city for a bridal/wedding shower, so friends will be near.

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Opening up one of my saved bottles of champagne is called for.  Definitely.  And going out for an evening of karaoke is also appealing.  Or dancing.  Or both.  I’d love to get a bunch of helium balloons.  I don’t know why.  I guess I feel like it’s my birthday.  It’s the day that I get to celebrate the fact that I get to continue living.  I always wanted my birthday to be in the summer instead of in dreary November.  Perhaps I’ll celebrate on June 20 every year from now on.

Here’s how I might celebrate…..  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icViP-RZDy4

Here are some wonderbra moments….

The most awesome bra ever!  This is the moment I fell in love with Lady Gaga.  Anyone who wears a fire bra is beyond cool.

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Minion (Despicable Me) in a coconut bra.  Because Minions are funny.

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